Stepping Out of Mom Fog | My Return to Speed
by Nikki Parnell — March 3, 2020
I feel as though I’m coming out of a slowness bubble with my running. A muddy type of slow foggy haze that I didn’t quite know I was in, but as my vision clears, I can see it and know I’m breaking free from it.
I remember when my first-born turned one. Chase and I started sleeping through the night again and I clearly felt a shift within me. Like I was stepping out of a thick fog and could all of the sudden recognize my old self. I was BACK. I was human again. I didn’t notice this foggy phenomenon with our second child as much. I don’t think finding myself again was the issue, maybe because the transition from zero kids to one was so much more challenging to me personally. You know, the whole holy-crap-is-this-really-my-life-now?! kind of transition. This time, it’s more like I’m exiting a partial malaise and rediscovering one piece of me in particular – the competitive, ready to commit to running hard and get really fast part of me. I’ve been keeping my head above water and enjoying this new life with two littles, but now the long-dormant competitor is waking up and I’m ready to get after it!
I’ve been fortunate and healthy enough to return to running quickly after having both of my kids. I ran a 50k when my son was 5 months old and a 50 miler when he was one year and a day. Our daughter was 4 months old when I ran a 50k, which was luckily a net downhill course because at that time I had some off and on postpartum trauma feelings (you know, like my uterus might fall out?) when I’d try to run uphill. To clarify, I don’t think I had much business trying to run that far so soon after my babies, and I’m not tooting my own horn or telling others to try this because actually, it probably was not the smartest thing to do. I did enjoy proving to myself that I could still run the distance though and I survived those ultras with no major injuries. But you get the picture. I have done hard things since I had my kids, no doubt, but I haven’t run fast. I’ve been more of a galloping wildebeest, but now that my body is coming back into form, I’m channeling my inner gazelle.
In the first year or two of postpartum, I just couldn’t mentally go fast. Long slow runs were all I could manage. And that felt hard enough! I think that’s a large part of why I haven’t really trained to “race” ultras. I show up and I survive and I have fun but I’m not competitive. The hard training, the dedication, and the consistency required when you also have a baby to nurse or a toddler to potty train or whatever, just feels like too much. Not possible.
Sure, I do get some time to run, but immediately upon re-entry in the house, I’m back in the fray. It’s very difficult to find the time for all the extras that high-level running requires: stretching, core work, fueling appropriately, icing an angry muscle, goal-making; all that falls away. Because you know the second you sit down to do anything, someone somewhere in the house will need something – a snack or a soothing embrace or assistance in some form, and little children typically aren’t known for their patience and understanding.
Honestly, I don’t even remember to eat lunch most days. So remembering to do abs, for example, is borderline preposterous. Anytime the kids are around, if I’m lucky enough to have a thought of my own, it flits away a second later on a wind gust of questions from my curious four year old. Or it zips and swirls out of my brain the instant my baby girl demands this, that or the other thing. If I don’t respond immediately, screaming ensues. I swear this girl is going to be on Broadway someday with all her drama and theatrical talents. She has those big, beautiful blue eyes that reflect all the feelings bubbling inside of her and they spill out in high-pitched screeches. Bless them both, I love them so. But they command constant attention and their demands never cease.
A couple weekends ago, I went on a run with some old friends from college. We were all on the Oregon State University triathlon team many moons ago and now we are marathon and ultra runners. These are some fast and gutsy women that I really admire. And as we were running through our old stomping grounds, hilly soft trails under old oak trees, it hit me just how different our focus and mindsets were. Them: training, workouts, fear of not doing enough with their running. Me: babysitting schedules, parent guilt, and fear of not doing enough as a mother. As I’m sucking wind and trying to stay on their heels, I’m listening to them talking about being coached or races coming up or simply their deep love of racing (as in, competing) and it hits me how removed I’ve been from this world. I don’t run fast like this with friends much. And I really miss it. So while I was struggling to keep up, I also felt strong and could tell that the only reason I was holding on to my friends and their hot pace was because of the untapped speed that was still there in me, but struggling to come back.
Believe it or not, I was fast once. I’m still on some of my high school’s all-time top ten lists for the 1,500 and 3,000 meters on the track. And I’ve been sensing that old speedy feeling build inside me as I’ve recently started to ramp up my mileage and intensity. It’s been a long time coming, and I’m not totally back yet, but I know my body is coming around and it feels really freaking good.
Last weekend I ran the Mastondon 10ish Miler – a local trail race that winds through ancient junipers and past stunning views of the Cascade Mountains. I surprised myself with an average 7:35 minute per mile pace as I tried to hang on to 3rd place for women. It was one of those races that just clicked and though it was hard, as any race should be, I was able to settle in and get comfortable at a faster pace than normal. Regardless of the time, I was elated from feeling like I ran a race well. It has been so hit or miss for me!
So to all the mamas out there trying to keep up and wondering why you might feel like you’re trudging through gloppy slowness (these are official terms), I see you. It’s a lot. You’re balancing what can feel like way too many things at once. And you might be in one of those foggy, sticky seasons. I like to think that what you’re going through is a form of self-preservation. The fog bubble prevents us from thinking about all the extra stuff and only allows us to focus on the ESSENTIALS – like, you know, those kids you need to keep alive.
What I’ve learned as my fog continues to dissipate and some of my speed rekindles, is that we might not know something is missing until we find it again. And when it returns, you’re reminded that you do have that other gear within you, and then you’re able to feel a sense of hope and gratitude about what might now be possible. Because despite the all-consuming nature of our little families and all my whining about it, we are actually very grateful for this life. We love our kids and we know that what we’re doing with them is the most important work of our lives.
But that doesn’t mean that when we find that slumbering speed, that piece of us that was snoozing away under all the newborn snuggles and toddler enthusiasm, we don’t grab onto it with a fury and add it back into ourselves. Mom strength amplified.
So for me, it’s go time. I’ve finally hit the time and space where I can manage life well enough to also run hard and fast again. I’m charging towards the light, towards that quick, smooth stride. There’s no doubt my body is a bit confused with what I’m asking it to do, but it’s responding well. It’s just been a while. Maybe it’s been a while for you too. Or maybe you’ve just been kicking butt the whole time. But if you’re feeling sluggish or fuzzy-brained or just not your whole self, give yourself some grace and know that there’s hope with the passage of time. Try to enjoy where you’re at, make goals for where you want to go, but don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be there right now in this very second. Because it will come. It will come and you’ll feel better and stronger than ever before.
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