A Mildly Offensive Interpretative Guide to Ultra Running Lingo

by Chase Parnell — November 25, 2019.

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Disclaimer: I set out to write a proper guide to ultra running terminology but quickly realized that there are plenty of resources out there if you actually want to know what certain terms mean. The best one I found was by Posilicious.

So instead of attempting any sort of practical guide, I had far more fun creating this cheeky glossary aimed at those who already know this sport well. This guide is not meant to be insulting, its meant to be funny, so if you feel your temperature rising, just chill out. Does me telling you to chill out help?

Finally, I am certainly not writing this from any sort of elevated perch of superiority. I too am guilty of essentially all the foibles laid out herein. 

This edition is a bit limited but I will expand on it as inspired.

 

A

Ambassador – Get this. People want to be these so bad now that they will pay brands money to become one.

Anton – God of Running whose life closely parallels that of Odysseus…

Life of Odysseus: “King of Ithaca and a celebrated warrior, Odysseus helped the Greeks triumph in the Trojan War. Afterward he journeyed nearly ten years to return home to Ithaca and his wife Penelope. Along the way Odysseus’s courage and cleverness saved him from such monsters as the Cyclops Polyphemus, the Sirens, and Scylla and Charybdis.” -Teacher Vision

Life of Anton: “King of Boulder and celebrated ultra runner, Anton helped roadies triumph over their banal contrivances. Afterward he battled injuries for nearly ten years until he found a life of balance with his lady HaileyCopter2. Along the way Anton’s courage and cleverness saved him from such monsters as a desk job, bad coffee, and poor books.”

B

Badwater – More like Badweather. 

Base phase – Where most runners stay year-round. 

Beard – (a) Man puffery, (b) storage unit for food, gel, and flaky skin, and (c) Krar’s will always be better. 

Beastcoast – Cute. 

Bonk – The best excuse for why you ran slow when your ultra got hard. 

C

Chaffage – Kind of sexy because it can involve nipples, but then also so very not sexy.

Cherry-picker – Person who scours ultra signup for soft entrant lists and registers last minute in hopes of #winning. You know who you are.

Courtney – (a) G.O.A.T., (b) wears long shorts, and (c) flosses during races. 

Cyclist – Best thing to pass while running. 

D

DNF – Person who decided against a long walk in the woods. 

DNS – The only thing worse than a DNF.

Dog – That thing that trips you or bites your ass and whose owner is nonplussed. 

Douche-grade – Not flat but not a proper hill either. You should be running this.

E

Ended up in the med tent – Simultaneously (a) a badge of honor, and (b) sign you were probably kinda dumb during your race. 

Epic climb – Typically an exaggerated mole hill or gentle rolling feature. 

Euro – (a) Advanced beyond the ways of neanderthal Americans, or (b) snugly fit apparel. 

Exposure for an ultra runner – A curb.

F

Fart – What some think is okay to do on the person behind them while running. 

FKT – Where we thought ultra running was going until 200s and Last Man Standing races emerged. People just want to be together, ain’t that sweet.

G

Goggins – Just saying his name makes your pecs bigger. 

Grand Slam of UltraRunning – Is this still a thing?

H

Hallucinations – Legally obtained while running ultras but probably also bad for you. 

Holding hands at the finish – No words. 

I

IT Band Syndrome – Catchall for any leg pain that may or may not have led to your DNF.

J

Jurek – (a) Won Western seven times in a row, and (b) set the FKT on the Appalachian Trail and sprayed champagne on all those poor rocks.

K

Ketogenic Diet – The best way to eat food. 

Kids – Great excuse for why to cut your run short when you’re tired. You really should be getting back. 

Kilian – Super mean Spaniard and not fast at all.

KOM – What you get when you create that weird-ass Strava segment that only you run. 

Koop – Phil Jackson and Michael Jordan and Bill Belichick and Tom Brady.

L

Leave no trace – Requires running long miles with a plastic baggy of poop wipe in your pocket. If running in community, please take care in sealing. 

Long approach to nowhere – Climber’s take on ultra running. 

M

MUT – Wut?

N

Needed salt – Reason why you slowed down when things got hard and there was nice sunny weather out.

O

Off-trail – A mysterious land rarely trodden by ultra runners. 

Old – The age that Bronco Billy and Speedgoat Karl are when they stop winning 100s (TBD).

Overtraining Syndrome – Doesn’t apply to you and not a reason to justify finishing that Succession episode or further playing with your cats instead of going running. 

P

Paleo – The best way to eat food.

Patreon – A service that allows you to support Treeline Journal for as little as $2 a month (that’s less than the cost of buying one Roctane Gu gel a month). See how I did that?

Point-to-point or loop course – Super badass because you can’t be trifled with seeing any section of woods twice.

Pull a Walmsley – Either (a) destroying everyone and eating their children, (b) exuding overconfidence while swimming, or (c) going off course late in a 100. 

Q

Qualifiers – A racket.

R

Right of way – What a runner has at all times while on a trail.

Rise & Grind Newsletter – Treeline Journal’s ridiculously great weekly newsletter that provides you with both (a) blue ribbon ultra running content and (b) bloggy writing about our personal lives that aren’t as interesting as we think they are. Sign up here or over in the sidebar!

S

Sage – Makes more money on YouTube while he’s sleeping than you do at your 40hr/wk desk job.

Scalp – That epic moment when your set of moving legs takes you past another set of moving legs. 

Scramble – That one time you had to put your hand on that rock to help you get up that trail.

Someone must have tampered with the flagging – You were daydreaming about how your officemates would react when you tell them you ran an ultra over the weekend and then you missed that perfectly flagged turn and went off course. 

Sponsored > Ambassador.

Stomach issues – Polite for the shits or lots of gaggy vomits. 

Strava – Great tool for stalkers. 

Super chill – What to add to your Strava run description when you’re insecure about your pace. 

T

Taper – Not much running after running mucho. 

Technical section – Term of art used to describe why you fell and tore up your knee while putting one foot in front of the other. 

The Great Eight – A thing. But not really a thing.

The 200 – For those who like to run even slower than they do in a 100.  

Trail work requirement for a 100 – You love your mom, and you know you should call your mom, but you don’t do it unless your dad calls and tells you to do it.

Trucker hat – Who’s going to notify us when these aren’t cool any more?

U

UTMB – Ultra Trail du Massive Bonk. Now go get your stinky cheese and prosciutto and try again next year.

V

Vegan Diet – The best way to eat food.

W

Went to the well – What ultra runners say when they started to run slow after running really slow.

X

X – Letter placed after a number to indicate you did some contrived laps on a hill. Earlier this year, I did 45x on Pilot Butte, for realsies.

Y

Yiannis Kouros – (a) Of Greece and known as the “Running God” per Wikipedia, but that’s silly, we all know who the real Running God is (see Anton), and (b) when you’re at your local running shop and conversation turns from trail/mountain to road/track ultra running, just say, “Uh-huh, Yiannis was the man”. You will get instant credibility and no one will really know that you are otherwise entirely ignorant.

Z

Zero – Number of readers I expect to read this far. If proven otherwise, I thank you.