Both Parents are Runners | The Pros and Cons
by Nikki Parnell — January 27, 2020
I always used to say that marrying another runner was the best thing I ever did. Sharing your lifetime passion and all those miles together is magical. But, when kids come on the scene, some drawbacks become noticeable. Now two people — two busy parents — are trying to run and the balancing act can become treacherous. The tightrope walking gets harder, the rope starts to wobble, you have your running to support and your partner’s running to support and the kids to keep alive. It’s a lot.
But before we get to the cons, let’s start with the pros!
1) The Understanding. There are some things that only other runners will truly understand. The weird eating habits, the insane time commitment of training, the complaining about the training even though you are choosing to do the training and you secretly love the training. The contrasts and mood swings that running can produce – the low points when you’re unable to run due to injury or when you are suffering during a long, hard race. You can make yourself thoroughly miserable, perhaps even to the point of tears, yet once you finish you say, “Wow, that was SO. MUCH. FUN. I’m going to sign up for another!” The highs and lows are drastic!
But runners get this. They intimately understand the runner’s high, the empowered feeling after leaving it all on the track, road, or trail. They understand why you use of all your vacation time and money on traveling to races instead of…relaxing? Spouses who share in this insanity are probably more likely to see each other as “normal” and probably less likely to call an intervention for their nutty partner.
2) The Accountability. There’s no one like another runner to motivate you to go run. It might be a love/hate thing to have your accountability partner be your spouse. On the one hand it’s helpful, Chase pushes me out the door to run quite a bit when I’d rather not out of sheer laziness. But the only way to run farther and faster is by running farther and faster so the shove out the door, while annoying at times, is overall very useful.
3) The Fun. Time is best spent when shared. The thrill of a running exploration in the woods is probably heightened when you’re with the love of your life, right? And the stories we always reminisce about are so fun to retell and relive with each other. Like, “Remember when we came up on that huge, cantankerous buffalo in Yellowstone?!” Or, “Remember when you face-planted on that trail in Wyoming and cracked your rib on the can of bear spray you had in your vest?!” Both true stories and unforgettable!
4) Not As Selfish. Running can feel selfish, but if you have a partner that also has the desire and need to run, then you have a fantastic enabler at your side. I know many badass running women who have extremely supportive non-runner husbands too, that don’t in any way make them feel bad for running, and vice versa when the running role is reversed. But I do feel that we might mentally beat ourselves up less when you have a partner that gets it and also fundamentally needs it in order to function too.
5) Cheerleaders. A fun part about both partners being runners is that you get to crew for each other. It’s often difficult to run the same races, so you find yourself alternating races. It’s nice because you each get your big day in the sun. In taking turns, you share the load and carve out space to cheer each other on in their own personal spotlight. And you get to see all sides of the racing scene — you get to experience the full spectrum of emotions as both the runner and the supporter. Sometimes the supporter role is even more nerve-wracking than running the race! It’s always awesome though to see your partner do something hard, something that takes guts, and that when they cross the line you think, wow, that’s my guy! And if you’re both runners you naturally grasp the gravity of their accomplishment and know exactly what it took for them to get there.
6) Great Example. Running teaches us about life. There are hundreds of metaphors for life that go hand in hand with running and many wonderful human qualities that running brings out in people. If you’re a runner, you’re most likely dedicated, passionate, able to endure and persevere when things get hard, get back up when you fall on your face (sometimes literally), go with the flow because you know and accept that so much is out of your control, you are creative and expressive, and you probably care about physical health, strength, and the outdoors. All of these attributes are positive things to show the young people in your life that are watching you oh so very closely. The act of running confirms in you these core values that help you succeed in life. And if you and your partner are both runners then maybe more of those great qualities will visually / telepathically / osmosis-ly transfer to your kids? One can hope.
But Let’s Be Real, Being Married To A Runner Has Some Cons.
1) The Accountability. Sometimes you just want stay comfortable and you’re content with your sedentary state of sipping coffee by the fireplace. But then your partner walks through the door after a killer workout all rosy cheeked and giddy and enthusiastic and now it’s your turn. Boo!
2) The Hand-Off. Let’s say you’re both training for some big ultras. The races are maybe a week or two apart. You’re both in the thick of training, working hard, and running a lot. It’s great. Except that it’s not. Because both of you have to get those long runs in and therefore the balancing act and schedule rearranging becomes more intense. The tightrope wire starts to weeble-wobble. Once you land on an acceptable schedule, the daily hand-off of your children ensues — one parent comes back from a run and the other leaves for a run and you pass the kids back and forth. This hand-off issue feels much more manageable now that Chase’s schedule is flexible but it is still a real thing that can wear on both partners and can take some getting used to. A lot of mornings, the first thing Dash will ask Chase is, “Are you going to work?” And when Chase says no, Dash counters with, “Are you going running?” Then Chase is forced to admit that, yes indeed, he is going running. “But it’s a short run day!”
Kids are smart. Work and running — the only two things that take Daddy away.
3) Parent Guilt. Spending a lot of time running can leave both of us feeling guilty – for leaving the kids, for leaving each other, or for leaving the kids with our parents. That’s just one of the tough things about being a parent, if you’re going to do something with your spouse where the kids can’t come (i.e. long mountain trail runs where strollers can’t go) then someone has to be “left behind” to maintain the survival of the children. Chase and I have even had conversations about how hard it is to leave the house for a training run when the other parent is actively struggling with the kids. In order to run our best, it helps to be in a positive frame of mind and not feeling too bad when walking out the door. So oftentimes we might temporarily swallow our emotions to enable the other to go running guilt-free. “It’s all good babe, I got this, enjoy your run!”
Note: I’m not trying to imply that you can’t all go running together as a family. Our son Dash spent many a long run in the stroller when he was little – happily slurping pouches and reading books. He would cruise with us for runs ranging from 2 to 20 miles. But these days, the thought of a long run while pushing the 95 pound double bob stroller feels less than thrilling. Torture actually. At this point in time, Chase is going balls to the wall in his training so even his long runs are at a smoking hot pace and the stroller just can’t accommodate that anymore (nor can I!) – so goodbye stroller slog miles and good riddance!
4) Only One Will Get the Good Time. I was a little more conflicted on this one when Chase was working his full time law job. It’s the “who gets to run in the morning” debate. We are both morning runners and those early morning miles are when we both feel the best. The alternative is to run during nap time in the afternoon or, God forbid, at night after a full day of chaos. The person that waits until later to run will need to adjust their eating and fueling schedules during the day so their stomach doesn’t give them problems and they will need to fight harder to hold on to their motivation. Having to run later can feel like the short end of the stick. Lately, Chase and I have been in a fairly good rhythm with this – he usually takes the early hours and leaves earlier than he’d typically like, maybe from 6-8AM, and I run immediately after that as he’s doing his strength routine and getting ready to leave for work. I like waking up slowly and not having to rush out of the house so it works for us. The days when it doesn’t work out well are the really long run days on the weekends when Chase or I might very well be gone until noon. The other is left to manage a long run, typically during nap time, which feels sacrilegious – our few precious moments during the day of peace and quiet should be spent lounging in complete relaxation. It’s not an end-of-the-world con but the struggle is real.
5) Are We Doing Enough? Because running and trail life is our thing, we worry we aren’t doing enough other things with our kids. Like maybe some of their other developmental milestones will suffer because we’re out running or taking them hiking too much. When do we take the time to teach them to ride a bike, play catch and swing a bat in the backyard, or take them to the myriad of other activities offered in our community? Example: we held off on potty training Dash until after he was three years old because of our summer racing schedule. This was even after I read a book that was majorly against this, convinced me I had entirely ruined my child, and it said I was asking for drama if we waited that long. The dilemma was that we had a big road trip planned for The Bear 100 miler that Chase did in Logan, Utah. Potty training terrified me but so did a long road trip with a not-so-potty-trained kid and no diapers. I didn’t want to be dealing with an untimely poop situation at some aid station in the middle of the night! Ugh. It just felt like too much.
In hindsight, it all worked out of course. We finished the racing season, came home, and potty-trained Dash in a matter of days. What do you know? Yet another reminder that parents should never worry as much as we do. And I’m flipping you the bird, potty training book — thanks for the fears. Not!
So maybe I just disproved this con. Maybe we are doing enough even though we haven’t thrown our own personal lives out the window to be at our children’s every beck and call. It’s hard to say, but I do think that parents will always worry they’re not doing enough and being enough for their kids — runners and non-runners alike.
To Conclude…
Overall, I wouldn’t trade having a runner as a spouse and fellow parent. When calculating the weight of the pros vs. cons, the pros matter more to me and the cons are merely just part of life to be acknowledged and worked around. So I think I’ll keep Chase around for the time being. 😜
I am curious about any of your thoughts on this subject though! What is your relationship dynamic like? Do you run? Does your partner? What are your struggles? Are you parents? How do you balance all the running and parenting? I would love to hear any tricks you’ve come up with to make your situation work. Drop a comment below and I’ll add you to my own personal case study — I find this stuff fascinating!
Thank you for letting me air all this out.
Happy running – however you’re able to get it done!
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