It’s All About Process | How To Overcome Mental Barriers and Take Back Your Sanity

by Nikki Parnell — December 22, 2019

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Sometimes it feels like things just stack up against you. Small things, big things, all types of things. And these things can cause us to focus on the negative, which in turn robs us of our focus on the good – the things you’re thankful for, all the things you have going for you, which is probably a lot if you’re not in a stacked up, spiraling downward negative headspace. When you don’t feel thankful, you cannot feel happiness. In my opinion, one cannot exist without the other. 

When I’m helplessly spinning in a spiral of dark thoughts, I am void of gratitude, in a wanting place – wanting life to be a little easier, wanting our house to be different (more minimal, cleaner, newer), our shed to be organized, to have a garage for all our gear, for our car to be bigger and with a working remote key thingy (gosh that’s a pain in my rear) – do you see how ungrateful I can get if I let the small frustrations build up?! These are all small things and I KNOW I’ve got it good. I KNOW that I have every single thing I could need because all that truly matters are the people and their love that surrounds me. 

So why do we even have bad days? Why can’t we be completely in awe of all our blessings every second of every day?

Life is full of contrasts. Chase’s running mantra right now is “on the other side of pain is great joy”. I read a similar quote that said, “Hold happiness and sorrow in the same hand, call it alive.” The good doesn’t come without the bad. We can’t get through this life untouched by bad. And maybe it’s the contrast of bad and good that makes the good so brilliant. 

Take Control

I am tentatively hypothesizing that happiness arrives when we feel like we have the power to be happy. When we feel some control – even if that control is only over our thoughts. Because I don’t think we have much control over life itself. Too many things just happen. Shit gets real. Tough cards are dealt. People are unpredictable, accidents happen, doors open, doors close, babies come, babies don’t come, time passes and it waits for no one. 

But when we are able to mentally switch from feeling sorry for ourselves over whatever troubles are lurking before us, to how we might be able to problem solve and fix the situation, the lightness of perspective can start seeping into us. Now we have possibilities, where before there was only a grey fog. 

Emelie Forsburg, one of the best mountain runners in the world, wrote about barriers in her book Skyrunner, she said, “…those sky-high obstacles that can put an end to both thoughts and actions, those that are simply impossible to get over…I think of barriers as thick fog: if you take a step toward that massive darkness, you realize it’s only air!”  

There are so many things in life that we CAN control, yet we dwell on the seemingly insurmountable and end up doing nothing. We see “what isn’t” and it becomes a wall, a barrier to what “could be”. We forget that with a tiny step towards the problem, we can gain some perspective and some of our power will return, which might just bring on the change we want to see in our life. 

When I feel myself creating mental roadblocks, this is what I do. *Or at least this is what I told myself to do a couple months ago and it really helped me shift gears.

The Process That Works For Me

I find a comfy place, sit down with a journal and ask myself, “what is going on? What am I thinking? What is making me frustrated?” I’ll take an intentional breath and try to pin-point the real issue. We are looking for the root cause here. It’s helps to make a I am feeling list. Recent examples of mine are, (1) “I am feeling helpless in getting out the door and training how I want to be training – getting really fit and making it a priority” or (2) “I am feeling slightly furious with how we live — with how messy and cluttered our house is, particularly the shed and guest bedroom – those spaces are chaotic and hold all our overflow and make me want to cry and scream.” And honestly, on a couple occasions they have succeeded in doing so.

Then I make a list of responses to those feelings. What are a couple logical and rational things I could do to solve my problems. Sample responses: (1) I need to make sure I’m speaking up for myself and my training needs. I need to communicate to Chase what I need — maybe an extra hour where he can watch the kids so I can run without the stroller. He’s 100% supportive but doesn’t know that I need help in reaching my goals if I don’t say I need help reaching my goals. Funny how that works. I also have to decide to just suck it up and do what needs to be done. Do the damn abs exercises instead of wasting time feeling sorry for my weak core because I never do them! And (2) I’m going to buck up and work on one problem area of our house each day. I will take five minutes to go through that old camping box and put a couple material possessions that are weighing on me and gnawing at me from the inside and put them in the Goodwill box. Does anyone else feel heart constrictions when they think about all the crap that they own?! I NEED to make my way towards minimalism. Lord help me. 

That’s it. A simple process. Take the time to identify the issue, write out your feelings list, then logically and rationally craft a doable solution and write it down. Otherwise, there’s just a whole lot of huffing and puffing, shrieks of distress, and epic pity parties. It’s called p-r-o-c-e-s-s… PROCESS! Nothing gets done without it. I promise that once you take those first couple steps, the fog will lift, the sun will shine once again and you can go on your merry way. La la la.

A Little Follow-Through Goes A Long Way

A lot of what I find unsettling in life could be easily changed if I just took accountability for myself and my actions and made the decision to fix whatever is broken. My Grandpa taught me that. He was always fixing and tweaking things to get them just right. To make his life the way he wanted it – comfortable and delightful. He had the shower knob marked with a sharpie so he knew exactly the right temperature to set the water to each day. He was unhappy with the trial and error process of too hot or too cold, so he eliminated any frustrations! Brilliant! 

With a new year on the horizon, let’s take that small step into the fog and gain a new perspective. Exercise control where you can but remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day. Instead of slamming doors or stomping around the house, meet your frustration or problem constructively, acknowledge your feelings, list some possible solutions, and get to work! Baby steps are better than no steps. Any forward momentum, even if small, is still a win. So go mark your shower knobs or get your Goodwill pile going or prioritize that training program. Pretty soon you’ll be rolling, crushing those barriers that stand in your way. Before you know it the mist will begin to rise and once again you’ll see the sun.

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